shrink day

I dont know why people call their Psychologist as "shrink".

Yesterday I met my doctor again. As usual I complained again about my sleeping pattern. He assured me that it is normal for me to be so worried and not able to sleep properly. Because of the trauma when my first brother died it was natural for me to be anxious about the fever of my 2nd brother.

Mark, my first brother. He just had a fever and died the next day 3am then buried at 3pm the same day!... on his death certificate there's a word "probably ______" cause of the death... only few died with that kind of illness. It was a sudden death. All was shocked and it was traumatic to all of us. My father even filed a case against the doctors because someone told us that the attending doctor was sleeping while my brother was dying. They said my brother has a viral disease and we have to drink medicines and our house have to be fumigated. My family did not recovered easily from that incident and I am one of the victim of it's after effect.

What I have learned from yesterday's therapy:

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WASTE. ENJOY THE PRESENT. HUMILITY IS A GIFT. HUMILITY IS THE KEY. ONE STEP AT A TIME. and etc. these are just few of the things we have discussed. the aim is to train my mind to think cognitively. Because of the traumas i've been into i need to start to think positively and try to adopt with the changes.


Funny part:

Because my doctor doesn't charge me since day 1 of the consultation. We just gave presents as a way of thanking him. Personally i really like giving gifts to those who really cherish me despite of being different.

Last month I gave him a striped long sleeves. Well, it was my aunt's idea. My doctor was formerly working at the clinic where my aunt was an assistant something... Me and my aunt (the one who took care of me since child till 11y.o.) been talking on the phone for 2 hours! it was sort of a brain storming like what shirt or size i should buy... lols... yesterday i told the doctor about it and he was laughing. .He told me it's enough already and he was wearing the long sleeves... lols... thank God he liked it.. haha.. i am not really fond of giving shirts/clothes because of the "size issue"...

Even he was telling me to stop giving him thank you presents. I left again a figurine I bought a month ago. It was a doctor with a box on his head that says "DOCTORS ARE PATIENT PEOPLE"... i hope he liked it.

Progress report:
I think it's a progress that he wants me to come back after 3 months... so it means i dont need a therapy and maybe he's kinda confident i can stand now on my own and do what he wants me to do. He just want me to do what ever i like and to think out things optimistically... these are the things he repeatedly uttered to me.

I hope I'll be better soon. sooner... but i will still take one step at a time... slowly but surely...

shrink day

*got the image from here: link

I have chosen to visit my shrink every month and yesterday was my schedule to see him.

We have talked about:

My sleeping patterns and i told him I can't sleep because of my pending projects. He advised me to take not more than 2 projects at a time unless I have the templates then I can get more than 2. He said I am perfectionist and I got so overwhelmed easily with the loads of my projects...

I also asked him if I can fix my sleeping patterns... then he asked me to increase the dosage of "rivotril" from 1/4 to 1/2 of the tablet, just for a week... and i have to take it strictly every 8pm... sort of a curfew...

I also asked him about my allergy, if can take my antihestamine for it... then I was allowed to take "Claritin"...

I am now not worrying to get a regular job, because I asked him if i can still get a project based job for I am worrying about my December vacation for the clans reunion. He said as long I am happy, go ahead!

and..... he said the magic word..... AWAKENING!.....

"Let this year be a new start, an awakening, like you were reborn, or you can even take a retreat, join groups... what so ever as long as you are happy"... wow!!!!

I was so challenged.... I hope I can get back sooner.

medicines

I am taking Zoloft and 1/4 of Revotril for more than a month now. I can really say that it really helps me a lot to view things in a different way. Like I dont get mad so easily and I am not that so anxious anymore and plus super depressed... just a bit complication: i have difficulties in sleeping.

I am worried if the time comes that i will stop taking these meds, will i be like normal just like what i feel right now? Will I ever survive without meds? oh well to much questions...

sleeping problems

The first 2 weeks taking my medicines for my depression and anxiety I could sleep peacefully. But as the side effects of the meds have disappeared, the groggy feeling I am not that so sleepy anymore. My biggest problem right now is i cant sleep at night!! i know what made me feel like this..BECAUSE... I DONT KNOW HOW TO FINISH MY FREELANCE PROJECTS... and I MUST FINISH IT OR I WONT BE ABLE TO FIND A REGULAR JOB...

it's one of the cause... i hope i can finish all of this before my 3rd visitation to my therapist.

the awakening

Before my diagnosis I shed so many tears in searching for the answer. That time I am not aware I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I thought I have an Asperger’s Syndrome because I don’t know how to deal with those people who are not close to me. I’ve been crying because I know I am helpless and bum.

So much traumatic scenes happened before I got my diagnosis… I got mad to my mom, brother and everyone as if the world left me.

I never thought I reach the point of depression and anxiety. I thought I was strong but I was wrong. I am weak.

The doctor gave me 2 medicines that would be taken every night so I could think properly and I would be less anxious.

I am glad I got my answers in unexpected events of my life. My doctor knows my aunt so my consultation is free. I am worried about the next therapy sessions… It feels awkward to ask if I will give the right fee…