25% in progress

RCW1

"The best seminar / retreat / recollection I've ever had."

I attended the "Reparenting the Child Within" last August 21 to 23, 2009 at RCW foundation. The place was far from our home but I was really determinde to attend this because I badly needed it.

I already mentioned I have avoidant personality disorder and social phobia, but some would not believe it because it doesnt show that much... the anxiousness, panic attacks in which sometimes i dont even notice it.

I've been into lots of seminar / retreat because of my youth org... but lately I am already bored to the topics because it doesn't targets my age, our age (the senior members)... Most of the time the retreat master addresses the topics to the teens and we have been into those things already...

So, therefore, RCW1 hit my consciousness... i mean, i can relate now.. this is the higher level, the next step of my well being...

The seminar helped me a lot like dissecting our life from birth up to present. I learned a lot of things that my psychiatrist didnt tell me. He just told me to do things that i want, I think he really meant to experience the things that are deprived from me since birth. The seminar explained the whole thing. I can now understand why i am like this and that... though i already know that i was most wounded in my schooldays age because my psych told me before hand... that's why i am taking meds because of my traumas my "brain cells" didnt develop properly.. [i cant remember the right term but, he said something like that"]...

Current Status:
I am now socializing bit by bit and most of the time on the net only... but i can now say more things than before... and the next step is to come out and socialize with the real people in front of me. About my sleeping pattern, well, i really love to work at night... i'm still working on it... to sleep normally....

so much to talk about

updates:

I can say I'm getting better bit by bit. I can now sleep for 6 straight hours or 8hours to 10 hours! It depends... I am still trying to train my mind to give up worrying too much. I graduated last August 23, 2009 from a 2 and 1/2 day seminar workshop for my personal growth... it WAS A VERY LIBERATING EXPERIENCE... my boss was right... former boss... He also underwent to this program. I'll write something about this separately.

diversionary tactics:

Because i need to train my mind to think cognitively and to pour positive thoughts to the meat between my ears, I have to do things that i wanted to do... Like, playing online games... oh yes, i am not really into this thing: maybe because i was deprived from being techi when i was a child. my mom would always tell us that she doesnt want us to play video games because we would be addicted to it and it wouldnt help us to gain knowledge... I think she was wrong, games somehow has a positive effect in some ways. Like you would learn to think fast, learn some strategies, doing some calculations, be challenged and etc...

What i have noticed that most of my ex officemates, who works as programmer are so into video and online games. Maybe there's an explanation to how they think, how they solve those codes. Maybe because of the video / online games.

Socialization:

I'M BACK... somehow i'm taking one step at a time. i would talk randomly... comments on other's pages and etc. But i still have to overcome the "avoiding thing"...

I received several missed calls from my former client and texted me like this:
"This is ________... please answer your phone"... i was asleep that time and didnt noticed thecall. i was intimidated the way he texted me and called me several times... i didnt reply and even answered his calls even the next day...

It's time for me to say no in a silent way. I am not even well compensated from the service i rendered for him... maybe it was also my fault that he doesnt pays me well and because i cant say my real rate... I am still LEARNING TO SAY IT... MY RATE ON RENDERING MY ARTS... ~_~ this is how i was told by my psychologist... i have to say no... and also say this line in a good manner:

"TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"...

because i am a people pleaser i didnt had the guts to say no. but now... hmmm... i am trying to nail that on my head.

for the sake of art:

I am still building my art room. I already painted my pink bookshelves with varnish and organized the books... what i need to do now is to organize my craft materials... I love scrap art, i'd rather personalize my gifts than giving people with a commercialized one.

I am also restoring and organizing our photographs. I even printed out 3 blow up picture of my siblings including mine. It's also a process for me to go back from the time i was born up to present.

i have so much to say... but i need to sleep now.... tadah!

i am now a sleep talker

what a discovery...

lols... I used to be so proud that i don't snore during my sleep and can wake up if i hear some noise or smell something strong scents. They said i am a light sleeper because i dont have dreams... but when i got into this meds most of the time i can remember what i have dreamed and i can hear when i'm talking... good thing I can only say some phase... or 3 words, something like that...

a few days ago my bro heard me talking in my sleep.. it was really funny laughing about it... my dream is about someone asking an email ad or phone number then i answered the "user number of the person"... i said something like: "dot underscore @".
hehe! this was the 3rd time... (consciously heard my self)

i still have problems in sleeping.. i wakes up at 2 or 3 in the morning as if i had 6 hours sleep.. and i cant sleep anymore then i will be so sleepy at noon... @_@ it's really hard for me... it's so frustrating... i just want to sleep like normal people do....from night till morning with 6 to hours sleep.. that's all i want for now...