shrink day

I dont know why people call their Psychologist as "shrink".

Yesterday I met my doctor again. As usual I complained again about my sleeping pattern. He assured me that it is normal for me to be so worried and not able to sleep properly. Because of the trauma when my first brother died it was natural for me to be anxious about the fever of my 2nd brother.

Mark, my first brother. He just had a fever and died the next day 3am then buried at 3pm the same day!... on his death certificate there's a word "probably ______" cause of the death... only few died with that kind of illness. It was a sudden death. All was shocked and it was traumatic to all of us. My father even filed a case against the doctors because someone told us that the attending doctor was sleeping while my brother was dying. They said my brother has a viral disease and we have to drink medicines and our house have to be fumigated. My family did not recovered easily from that incident and I am one of the victim of it's after effect.

What I have learned from yesterday's therapy:

LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WASTE. ENJOY THE PRESENT. HUMILITY IS A GIFT. HUMILITY IS THE KEY. ONE STEP AT A TIME. and etc. these are just few of the things we have discussed. the aim is to train my mind to think cognitively. Because of the traumas i've been into i need to start to think positively and try to adopt with the changes.


Funny part:

Because my doctor doesn't charge me since day 1 of the consultation. We just gave presents as a way of thanking him. Personally i really like giving gifts to those who really cherish me despite of being different.

Last month I gave him a striped long sleeves. Well, it was my aunt's idea. My doctor was formerly working at the clinic where my aunt was an assistant something... Me and my aunt (the one who took care of me since child till 11y.o.) been talking on the phone for 2 hours! it was sort of a brain storming like what shirt or size i should buy... lols... yesterday i told the doctor about it and he was laughing. .He told me it's enough already and he was wearing the long sleeves... lols... thank God he liked it.. haha.. i am not really fond of giving shirts/clothes because of the "size issue"...

Even he was telling me to stop giving him thank you presents. I left again a figurine I bought a month ago. It was a doctor with a box on his head that says "DOCTORS ARE PATIENT PEOPLE"... i hope he liked it.

Progress report:
I think it's a progress that he wants me to come back after 3 months... so it means i dont need a therapy and maybe he's kinda confident i can stand now on my own and do what he wants me to do. He just want me to do what ever i like and to think out things optimistically... these are the things he repeatedly uttered to me.

I hope I'll be better soon. sooner... but i will still take one step at a time... slowly but surely...

the awakening

Before my diagnosis I shed so many tears in searching for the answer. That time I am not aware I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I thought I have an Asperger’s Syndrome because I don’t know how to deal with those people who are not close to me. I’ve been crying because I know I am helpless and bum.

So much traumatic scenes happened before I got my diagnosis… I got mad to my mom, brother and everyone as if the world left me.

I never thought I reach the point of depression and anxiety. I thought I was strong but I was wrong. I am weak.

The doctor gave me 2 medicines that would be taken every night so I could think properly and I would be less anxious.

I am glad I got my answers in unexpected events of my life. My doctor knows my aunt so my consultation is free. I am worried about the next therapy sessions… It feels awkward to ask if I will give the right fee…

intro of my journey

Hi! I am Hope (which is not my real name). I am 25 years old living within South East Asia. I was diagnosed having an Avoidant Personality Disorder or (AvPD) and with Social Phobia last April 20, 2009.

When I was a child I already noticed that I'm not always happy and worries a lot of things. Highschool years came and I noticed that I was really diffrent from the others. During that time I am taking a painting/drawing workshop, so that was the skill i acquired that i am confident of.

College years came and I reached the point where i got timid for almost 2 years because I failed some of my "MINOR" subjects and I have to be separated with my classmates once in a while. I felt so alone that time.

After graduation, i got a job and stayed there for 6 months, then the next was 7 months, next company was 2 months, then the last company i worked with i stayed there for 1 year and 2 months. That was the ideal and best company I've ever had. The pay was good and facilities are all new i even had a loptop to bring at home but that was the worst working place i encountered. In between those diffrent companies i worked with i got freelance job but with lesser pay... because i dont kow how price my artworks. By the way I am an artist, a web / graphic designer.

I created this blog so I can share to the world my experiences, my journey to overcome this and also to tract down the progress of my life. I know this not an easy path to take but I will try all my best to change and follow my doctor suggestions and advices.

I hope I will be healed SOONER.
but i will take baby steps one at a time...
God Bless Me and those people who are supporting me.