so much to talk about

updates:

I can say I'm getting better bit by bit. I can now sleep for 6 straight hours or 8hours to 10 hours! It depends... I am still trying to train my mind to give up worrying too much. I graduated last August 23, 2009 from a 2 and 1/2 day seminar workshop for my personal growth... it WAS A VERY LIBERATING EXPERIENCE... my boss was right... former boss... He also underwent to this program. I'll write something about this separately.

diversionary tactics:

Because i need to train my mind to think cognitively and to pour positive thoughts to the meat between my ears, I have to do things that i wanted to do... Like, playing online games... oh yes, i am not really into this thing: maybe because i was deprived from being techi when i was a child. my mom would always tell us that she doesnt want us to play video games because we would be addicted to it and it wouldnt help us to gain knowledge... I think she was wrong, games somehow has a positive effect in some ways. Like you would learn to think fast, learn some strategies, doing some calculations, be challenged and etc...

What i have noticed that most of my ex officemates, who works as programmer are so into video and online games. Maybe there's an explanation to how they think, how they solve those codes. Maybe because of the video / online games.

Socialization:

I'M BACK... somehow i'm taking one step at a time. i would talk randomly... comments on other's pages and etc. But i still have to overcome the "avoiding thing"...

I received several missed calls from my former client and texted me like this:
"This is ________... please answer your phone"... i was asleep that time and didnt noticed thecall. i was intimidated the way he texted me and called me several times... i didnt reply and even answered his calls even the next day...

It's time for me to say no in a silent way. I am not even well compensated from the service i rendered for him... maybe it was also my fault that he doesnt pays me well and because i cant say my real rate... I am still LEARNING TO SAY IT... MY RATE ON RENDERING MY ARTS... ~_~ this is how i was told by my psychologist... i have to say no... and also say this line in a good manner:

"TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"...

because i am a people pleaser i didnt had the guts to say no. but now... hmmm... i am trying to nail that on my head.

for the sake of art:

I am still building my art room. I already painted my pink bookshelves with varnish and organized the books... what i need to do now is to organize my craft materials... I love scrap art, i'd rather personalize my gifts than giving people with a commercialized one.

I am also restoring and organizing our photographs. I even printed out 3 blow up picture of my siblings including mine. It's also a process for me to go back from the time i was born up to present.

i have so much to say... but i need to sleep now.... tadah!

just an update

Sleeping Pattern

Since my brother got sick, he had a fever for several days and i wasnt able to get back to my normal sleep because I was still up till 2 am and wakes up from time to time to make him drink his meds.. Thank God he's fine now...

My doctor told me to take the medicines at 8pm and do nothing aside by lying in bed and reading and wait to be unconscious AND WAKE UP AFTER 8 HOURS... this coming Monday i'll be seing my doctor again, and he might pinch me... lols because he gave me the chance to be normal (sleeping just like any normal humans do)... and I gave up the "night shift" productive mode because i can choose being alive alert awake and productive during nights but i told him I want to be awake during the day... When i'm sleeping during the day i got several calls! from mama, papa, aunts! friends!... and the whatever wrong number... and i'm tired of it.

Back to basic

I'm painting again and it feels good. I am exploring with less scented paints such as poster color and water color pencil. I cant stand the smell of the oils and sometimes the urine-like-smell of acrylics. @_@ so i will just stay for a while with the safe colors so i wont have an allergic rhinitis attacks again...

Once or many times I got discouraged to paint because someone told me "why i've been focusing doing projects in school, doing coloring and stuff"... that person didn't know i survived my highschool and college days because of those projects / painting / sculpture i did... one of my prof didn't return my painting and sculpture and displayed it in the faculty room... it was only my projects wasnt returned. it kinda made me happy somehow and didnt realized that time how people appreciates my craft.. well, being avpd you dont easily appreciate the craft you did... sometimes it more of a crap in our minds.

So these past few months I'm trying to rekindle the sparks I had before, I am trying to relive my dreams ~

on Michael Jackson's death

I felt sad when people criticize him like he was just like an ant. Since I was in higschool I admire him. I am not a fanatic person and not updated to showbiz news but I still have few artist that I admire and one of them is MJ. I like and love his songs, his really a genius in writing... if you would only read the lyrics, just read without the melody he is saying something about his life and being a human... and he did not hide it... I somehow can relate to his weirdness, ideas, and liking elementary things.

Let's say everyone has their own flaws in life and sometimes it leads us to be more creative, stronger... and most of the time we learn something from it. What I believe that Michael's pieces are the product of those things... He may be weird, strange in every ways we cant deny how gifted he is... despite of those things that happened to him... and people can't deny somehow their body swayed a bit in some of the beats of his songs...

May he rest in piece... He really made a difference to the world despite of.... those vultures that surrounded him.

This song might fit on how others see him:

Little Susie by Michael Jackson

Somebody killed little susie
The girl with the tune
Who sings in the daytime at noon
She was there screaming
Beating her voice in her doom
But nobody came to her soon...

A fall down the stairs
Her dress torn
Oh the blood in her hair...
A mystery so sullen in air
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care,
Oh the blood in her hair...

Everyone came to see
The girl that now is dead
So blind stare the eyes in her head...
And suddenly a voice from the crowd said
This girl lived in vain
Her face bear such agony, such strain...

But only the man from next door
Knew little susie and how he cried
As he reached down
To close susies eyes...
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care
Oh the blood in her hair...

It was all for gods sake
For her singing the tune
For someone to feel her despair
To be damned to know hoping is dead and youre doomed
Then to scream out
And nobodys there...

She knew no one cared...

Father left home, poor mother died
Leaving susie alone
Grandfathers soul too had flown...
No one to care
Just to love her
How much can one bear
Rejecting the needs in her prayers...

Neglection can kill
Like a knife in your soul
Oh it will
Little susie fought so hard to live...
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care
So young and so fair

slip of the tongue

My father has been calling us almost everyday, 3 times a week or more… He just sent us an allowance, or so called gift (money) so we can buy whatever we want… it was somewhat a big amount. There was a time he called me asking where I am, I told him I just left the hospital… and asked why?!!!! I just told him because of my allergies…The problem is sometimes I forgot that he doesn’t know I am on a treatment because of my disorder, THAT he is one of the factors that I have this. When I was just 11 years old, months or a year after my brother died He told me THAT “I didn’t even loved my brother”… and so it stayed on my mind. Because when we were young I used to quarrel and hit my brother… My dad used to spank me and torture me verbally….

I am not mad to my dad anymore; I just don’t like how he gets angry on some nonsense things. For the past few days or months he’s been acting so strange, not a strange thing that he is doing bad things, it’s just… Sometimes when he calls us on the phone before he puts it down he would say I LOVE YOU, Take care… the first time he uttered it I did not respond… but when called again I replied I LOVE YOU TOO!!!... and telling him to go to church to thank God for having a new job and working permit.

I asked my mom if my dad knows already about the diagnosis and she said no… but I think my Aunt who took care of me when I was a child until elementary told him a bit about what happened to me… or also my other aunts who lives in abroad… that’s why he’s treating me now nicely… and I am praying that he would be like that forever. I love my dad… I appreciate all his efforts, he is super industrious according to my mom.. he knows all the household chores… he is not ashamed washing clothes, he doesn’t even want my mom to wash our clothes… he also loves dogs… he used to have one or two but when we are growing up he gave up taking care of dogs because we might be bitten.

Right now I am living with my youngest and only brother who protects me and trying not to reveal my disorder and trying to avoid that “SLIP OF THE TONGUE” thing… I am so thankful that my brother supports me well and also my whole family even some of them doesn’t understand the Avoidant personality disorder and Social Phobia especially my aunts and cousins… what they know is I just had a depression. Grrrrr…. I have avpd! Hehe…

My doctor told me that I am luckier than my dad or the other members of my family (including aunts / uncle) that I can talk to him (the doctor)… that I can confined what ever I want to say.. Unlike my dad who can’t express himself… I am now thinking that this disorder is partly hereditary… and I’m 50% sure of it.

This coming December my whole family (me, parents and brother) might visit my doctor so we could fix what ever silent issues we have had… it’s most likely all about my diseased brother. I hope everything will be fine sooner. Amen… ^_^

random thoughts

I almost have what I need in life, except the fact that I don't have a special someone and my own family. I have some close friends and family who supports me financially and emotionally. But why I am still like this?

Am I still trying to digest my disorder?
Not inspired?
Empty?
Confused?
Worried?
Anxious?

I feel so helpless right now because I don't have the will to do what I need to do... like finishing my projects and trying to communicate again face to face with those people I am with for the past 8years. I wish I could have the will again to reach out.