slip of the tongue

My father has been calling us almost everyday, 3 times a week or more… He just sent us an allowance, or so called gift (money) so we can buy whatever we want… it was somewhat a big amount. There was a time he called me asking where I am, I told him I just left the hospital… and asked why?!!!! I just told him because of my allergies…The problem is sometimes I forgot that he doesn’t know I am on a treatment because of my disorder, THAT he is one of the factors that I have this. When I was just 11 years old, months or a year after my brother died He told me THAT “I didn’t even loved my brother”… and so it stayed on my mind. Because when we were young I used to quarrel and hit my brother… My dad used to spank me and torture me verbally….

I am not mad to my dad anymore; I just don’t like how he gets angry on some nonsense things. For the past few days or months he’s been acting so strange, not a strange thing that he is doing bad things, it’s just… Sometimes when he calls us on the phone before he puts it down he would say I LOVE YOU, Take care… the first time he uttered it I did not respond… but when called again I replied I LOVE YOU TOO!!!... and telling him to go to church to thank God for having a new job and working permit.

I asked my mom if my dad knows already about the diagnosis and she said no… but I think my Aunt who took care of me when I was a child until elementary told him a bit about what happened to me… or also my other aunts who lives in abroad… that’s why he’s treating me now nicely… and I am praying that he would be like that forever. I love my dad… I appreciate all his efforts, he is super industrious according to my mom.. he knows all the household chores… he is not ashamed washing clothes, he doesn’t even want my mom to wash our clothes… he also loves dogs… he used to have one or two but when we are growing up he gave up taking care of dogs because we might be bitten.

Right now I am living with my youngest and only brother who protects me and trying not to reveal my disorder and trying to avoid that “SLIP OF THE TONGUE” thing… I am so thankful that my brother supports me well and also my whole family even some of them doesn’t understand the Avoidant personality disorder and Social Phobia especially my aunts and cousins… what they know is I just had a depression. Grrrrr…. I have avpd! Hehe…

My doctor told me that I am luckier than my dad or the other members of my family (including aunts / uncle) that I can talk to him (the doctor)… that I can confined what ever I want to say.. Unlike my dad who can’t express himself… I am now thinking that this disorder is partly hereditary… and I’m 50% sure of it.

This coming December my whole family (me, parents and brother) might visit my doctor so we could fix what ever silent issues we have had… it’s most likely all about my diseased brother. I hope everything will be fine sooner. Amen… ^_^