breath in... breath out...

FINALLY I MANAGED TO INFROM MY CLIENT, if i can send him the design on or before june 5! I hope he will understand.. but if it is needed to explain my situation right now.. somehow it would be clearer to him... i hope i hope he will understand...

medicines

I am taking Zoloft and 1/4 of Revotril for more than a month now. I can really say that it really helps me a lot to view things in a different way. Like I dont get mad so easily and I am not that so anxious anymore and plus super depressed... just a bit complication: i have difficulties in sleeping.

I am worried if the time comes that i will stop taking these meds, will i be like normal just like what i feel right now? Will I ever survive without meds? oh well to much questions...

random thoughts

I almost have what I need in life, except the fact that I don't have a special someone and my own family. I have some close friends and family who supports me financially and emotionally. But why I am still like this?

Am I still trying to digest my disorder?
Not inspired?
Empty?
Confused?
Worried?
Anxious?

I feel so helpless right now because I don't have the will to do what I need to do... like finishing my projects and trying to communicate again face to face with those people I am with for the past 8years. I wish I could have the will again to reach out.

sleeping problems

The first 2 weeks taking my medicines for my depression and anxiety I could sleep peacefully. But as the side effects of the meds have disappeared, the groggy feeling I am not that so sleepy anymore. My biggest problem right now is i cant sleep at night!! i know what made me feel like this..BECAUSE... I DONT KNOW HOW TO FINISH MY FREELANCE PROJECTS... and I MUST FINISH IT OR I WONT BE ABLE TO FIND A REGULAR JOB...

it's one of the cause... i hope i can finish all of this before my 3rd visitation to my therapist.

the awakening

Before my diagnosis I shed so many tears in searching for the answer. That time I am not aware I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I thought I have an Asperger’s Syndrome because I don’t know how to deal with those people who are not close to me. I’ve been crying because I know I am helpless and bum.

So much traumatic scenes happened before I got my diagnosis… I got mad to my mom, brother and everyone as if the world left me.

I never thought I reach the point of depression and anxiety. I thought I was strong but I was wrong. I am weak.

The doctor gave me 2 medicines that would be taken every night so I could think properly and I would be less anxious.

I am glad I got my answers in unexpected events of my life. My doctor knows my aunt so my consultation is free. I am worried about the next therapy sessions… It feels awkward to ask if I will give the right fee…

intro of my journey

Hi! I am Hope (which is not my real name). I am 25 years old living within South East Asia. I was diagnosed having an Avoidant Personality Disorder or (AvPD) and with Social Phobia last April 20, 2009.

When I was a child I already noticed that I'm not always happy and worries a lot of things. Highschool years came and I noticed that I was really diffrent from the others. During that time I am taking a painting/drawing workshop, so that was the skill i acquired that i am confident of.

College years came and I reached the point where i got timid for almost 2 years because I failed some of my "MINOR" subjects and I have to be separated with my classmates once in a while. I felt so alone that time.

After graduation, i got a job and stayed there for 6 months, then the next was 7 months, next company was 2 months, then the last company i worked with i stayed there for 1 year and 2 months. That was the ideal and best company I've ever had. The pay was good and facilities are all new i even had a loptop to bring at home but that was the worst working place i encountered. In between those diffrent companies i worked with i got freelance job but with lesser pay... because i dont kow how price my artworks. By the way I am an artist, a web / graphic designer.

I created this blog so I can share to the world my experiences, my journey to overcome this and also to tract down the progress of my life. I know this not an easy path to take but I will try all my best to change and follow my doctor suggestions and advices.

I hope I will be healed SOONER.
but i will take baby steps one at a time...
God Bless Me and those people who are supporting me.