Good luck to me... october 5... @_@
i think he will pinch my ears because i did not take my freelancing job seriously... oh my... and sometimes i forgot to drink my meds, but all in all i am doing well... and improving as what i know... speaking and communicating with the outside world again...
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
still in progress
i found another term for what i am doing:
I'm currently addicted to facebook's games (Farmville and Farm Town) and it's a double purpose for me... one, i am doing this for my play age mini me... i was deprived from playing video games or pc games when i was a kid because my mom believes that it wont help me, i wont get knowledge from it. I think that's why i am into pc, i like discovering things using pc and create things, designs and etc... Second, i am learning things that is applicable in life.
Farmville and farmtown gives me this spark in my life right now, it teaches me to persevere, to be patient and wise... because you have to choose what to plant, what is profitable and try to be thrifty so you can buy the decorations or things for you farm and the best part is to aim to have the house... it's like you are trying to build your dreams... you also can hire people who will harvest your crops, thank them, acknowledge their efforsts and etc.. it's so fun!
Maybe unconsciously i'm absorbing it and in the future i can use what i've learned from this...
Believe it or not... i am currently handling 4 accounts including mine... 2 accounts of my friends and plus my mom's... so all in all.. 8 farms... ^_^ but i like what i'm doing.. it makes me responsible... it's training me bit by bit...
some would really say that it's stupid to play... well, i really believed that programmers, people who created the technologies are into pc or video games...
it's better late than never... so i am enjoying now the games...
Art Therapy
I'm currently addicted to facebook's games (Farmville and Farm Town) and it's a double purpose for me... one, i am doing this for my play age mini me... i was deprived from playing video games or pc games when i was a kid because my mom believes that it wont help me, i wont get knowledge from it. I think that's why i am into pc, i like discovering things using pc and create things, designs and etc... Second, i am learning things that is applicable in life.
Farmville and farmtown gives me this spark in my life right now, it teaches me to persevere, to be patient and wise... because you have to choose what to plant, what is profitable and try to be thrifty so you can buy the decorations or things for you farm and the best part is to aim to have the house... it's like you are trying to build your dreams... you also can hire people who will harvest your crops, thank them, acknowledge their efforsts and etc.. it's so fun!
Maybe unconsciously i'm absorbing it and in the future i can use what i've learned from this...
Believe it or not... i am currently handling 4 accounts including mine... 2 accounts of my friends and plus my mom's... so all in all.. 8 farms... ^_^ but i like what i'm doing.. it makes me responsible... it's training me bit by bit...
some would really say that it's stupid to play... well, i really believed that programmers, people who created the technologies are into pc or video games...
it's better late than never... so i am enjoying now the games...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
25% in progress
RCW1
I attended the "Reparenting the Child Within" last August 21 to 23, 2009 at RCW foundation. The place was far from our home but I was really determinde to attend this because I badly needed it.
I already mentioned I have avoidant personality disorder and social phobia, but some would not believe it because it doesnt show that much... the anxiousness, panic attacks in which sometimes i dont even notice it.
I've been into lots of seminar / retreat because of my youth org... but lately I am already bored to the topics because it doesn't targets my age, our age (the senior members)... Most of the time the retreat master addresses the topics to the teens and we have been into those things already...
So, therefore, RCW1 hit my consciousness... i mean, i can relate now.. this is the higher level, the next step of my well being...
The seminar helped me a lot like dissecting our life from birth up to present. I learned a lot of things that my psychiatrist didnt tell me. He just told me to do things that i want, I think he really meant to experience the things that are deprived from me since birth. The seminar explained the whole thing. I can now understand why i am like this and that... though i already know that i was most wounded in my schooldays age because my psych told me before hand... that's why i am taking meds because of my traumas my "brain cells" didnt develop properly.. [i cant remember the right term but, he said something like that"]...
Current Status:
I am now socializing bit by bit and most of the time on the net only... but i can now say more things than before... and the next step is to come out and socialize with the real people in front of me. About my sleeping pattern, well, i really love to work at night... i'm still working on it... to sleep normally....
"The best seminar / retreat / recollection I've ever had."
I attended the "Reparenting the Child Within" last August 21 to 23, 2009 at RCW foundation. The place was far from our home but I was really determinde to attend this because I badly needed it.
I already mentioned I have avoidant personality disorder and social phobia, but some would not believe it because it doesnt show that much... the anxiousness, panic attacks in which sometimes i dont even notice it.
I've been into lots of seminar / retreat because of my youth org... but lately I am already bored to the topics because it doesn't targets my age, our age (the senior members)... Most of the time the retreat master addresses the topics to the teens and we have been into those things already...
So, therefore, RCW1 hit my consciousness... i mean, i can relate now.. this is the higher level, the next step of my well being...
The seminar helped me a lot like dissecting our life from birth up to present. I learned a lot of things that my psychiatrist didnt tell me. He just told me to do things that i want, I think he really meant to experience the things that are deprived from me since birth. The seminar explained the whole thing. I can now understand why i am like this and that... though i already know that i was most wounded in my schooldays age because my psych told me before hand... that's why i am taking meds because of my traumas my "brain cells" didnt develop properly.. [i cant remember the right term but, he said something like that"]...
Current Status:
I am now socializing bit by bit and most of the time on the net only... but i can now say more things than before... and the next step is to come out and socialize with the real people in front of me. About my sleeping pattern, well, i really love to work at night... i'm still working on it... to sleep normally....
Sunday, August 30, 2009
so much to talk about
updates:
I can say I'm getting better bit by bit. I can now sleep for 6 straight hours or 8hours to 10 hours! It depends... I am still trying to train my mind to give up worrying too much. I graduated last August 23, 2009 from a 2 and 1/2 day seminar workshop for my personal growth... it WAS A VERY LIBERATING EXPERIENCE... my boss was right... former boss... He also underwent to this program. I'll write something about this separately.
diversionary tactics:
Because i need to train my mind to think cognitively and to pour positive thoughts to the meat between my ears, I have to do things that i wanted to do... Like, playing online games... oh yes, i am not really into this thing: maybe because i was deprived from being techi when i was a child. my mom would always tell us that she doesnt want us to play video games because we would be addicted to it and it wouldnt help us to gain knowledge... I think she was wrong, games somehow has a positive effect in some ways. Like you would learn to think fast, learn some strategies, doing some calculations, be challenged and etc...
What i have noticed that most of my ex officemates, who works as programmer are so into video and online games. Maybe there's an explanation to how they think, how they solve those codes. Maybe because of the video / online games.
Socialization:
I'M BACK... somehow i'm taking one step at a time. i would talk randomly... comments on other's pages and etc. But i still have to overcome the "avoiding thing"...
I received several missed calls from my former client and texted me like this:
"This is ________... please answer your phone"... i was asleep that time and didnt noticed thecall. i was intimidated the way he texted me and called me several times... i didnt reply and even answered his calls even the next day...
It's time for me to say no in a silent way. I am not even well compensated from the service i rendered for him... maybe it was also my fault that he doesnt pays me well and because i cant say my real rate... I am still LEARNING TO SAY IT... MY RATE ON RENDERING MY ARTS... ~_~ this is how i was told by my psychologist... i have to say no... and also say this line in a good manner:
"TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"...
because i am a people pleaser i didnt had the guts to say no. but now... hmmm... i am trying to nail that on my head.
for the sake of art:
I am still building my art room. I already painted my pink bookshelves with varnish and organized the books... what i need to do now is to organize my craft materials... I love scrap art, i'd rather personalize my gifts than giving people with a commercialized one.
I am also restoring and organizing our photographs. I even printed out 3 blow up picture of my siblings including mine. It's also a process for me to go back from the time i was born up to present.
i have so much to say... but i need to sleep now.... tadah!
I can say I'm getting better bit by bit. I can now sleep for 6 straight hours or 8hours to 10 hours! It depends... I am still trying to train my mind to give up worrying too much. I graduated last August 23, 2009 from a 2 and 1/2 day seminar workshop for my personal growth... it WAS A VERY LIBERATING EXPERIENCE... my boss was right... former boss... He also underwent to this program. I'll write something about this separately.
diversionary tactics:
Because i need to train my mind to think cognitively and to pour positive thoughts to the meat between my ears, I have to do things that i wanted to do... Like, playing online games... oh yes, i am not really into this thing: maybe because i was deprived from being techi when i was a child. my mom would always tell us that she doesnt want us to play video games because we would be addicted to it and it wouldnt help us to gain knowledge... I think she was wrong, games somehow has a positive effect in some ways. Like you would learn to think fast, learn some strategies, doing some calculations, be challenged and etc...
What i have noticed that most of my ex officemates, who works as programmer are so into video and online games. Maybe there's an explanation to how they think, how they solve those codes. Maybe because of the video / online games.
Socialization:
I'M BACK... somehow i'm taking one step at a time. i would talk randomly... comments on other's pages and etc. But i still have to overcome the "avoiding thing"...
I received several missed calls from my former client and texted me like this:
"This is ________... please answer your phone"... i was asleep that time and didnt noticed thecall. i was intimidated the way he texted me and called me several times... i didnt reply and even answered his calls even the next day...
It's time for me to say no in a silent way. I am not even well compensated from the service i rendered for him... maybe it was also my fault that he doesnt pays me well and because i cant say my real rate... I am still LEARNING TO SAY IT... MY RATE ON RENDERING MY ARTS... ~_~ this is how i was told by my psychologist... i have to say no... and also say this line in a good manner:
"TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"...
because i am a people pleaser i didnt had the guts to say no. but now... hmmm... i am trying to nail that on my head.
for the sake of art:
I am still building my art room. I already painted my pink bookshelves with varnish and organized the books... what i need to do now is to organize my craft materials... I love scrap art, i'd rather personalize my gifts than giving people with a commercialized one.
I am also restoring and organizing our photographs. I even printed out 3 blow up picture of my siblings including mine. It's also a process for me to go back from the time i was born up to present.
i have so much to say... but i need to sleep now.... tadah!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
i am now a sleep talker
what a discovery...
lols... I used to be so proud that i don't snore during my sleep and can wake up if i hear some noise or smell something strong scents. They said i am a light sleeper because i dont have dreams... but when i got into this meds most of the time i can remember what i have dreamed and i can hear when i'm talking... good thing I can only say some phase... or 3 words, something like that...
a few days ago my bro heard me talking in my sleep.. it was really funny laughing about it... my dream is about someone asking an email ad or phone number then i answered the "user number of the person"... i said something like: "dot underscore @".
hehe! this was the 3rd time... (consciously heard my self)
i still have problems in sleeping.. i wakes up at 2 or 3 in the morning as if i had 6 hours sleep.. and i cant sleep anymore then i will be so sleepy at noon... @_@ it's really hard for me... it's so frustrating... i just want to sleep like normal people do....from night till morning with 6 to hours sleep.. that's all i want for now...
Monday, July 6, 2009
shrink day
I dont know why people call their Psychologist as "shrink".
Yesterday I met my doctor again. As usual I complained again about my sleeping pattern. He assured me that it is normal for me to be so worried and not able to sleep properly. Because of the trauma when my first brother died it was natural for me to be anxious about the fever of my 2nd brother.
Mark, my first brother. He just had a fever and died the next day 3am then buried at 3pm the same day!... on his death certificate there's a word "probably ______" cause of the death... only few died with that kind of illness. It was a sudden death. All was shocked and it was traumatic to all of us. My father even filed a case against the doctors because someone told us that the attending doctor was sleeping while my brother was dying. They said my brother has a viral disease and we have to drink medicines and our house have to be fumigated. My family did not recovered easily from that incident and I am one of the victim of it's after effect.
What I have learned from yesterday's therapy:
LIFE IS TO SHORT TO WASTE. ENJOY THE PRESENT. HUMILITY IS A GIFT. HUMILITY IS THE KEY. ONE STEP AT A TIME. and etc. these are just few of the things we have discussed. the aim is to train my mind to think cognitively. Because of the traumas i've been into i need to start to think positively and try to adopt with the changes.
Funny part:
Because my doctor doesn't charge me since day 1 of the consultation. We just gave presents as a way of thanking him. Personally i really like giving gifts to those who really cherish me despite of being different.
Last month I gave him a striped long sleeves. Well, it was my aunt's idea. My doctor was formerly working at the clinic where my aunt was an assistant something... Me and my aunt (the one who took care of me since child till 11y.o.) been talking on the phone for 2 hours! it was sort of a brain storming like what shirt or size i should buy... lols... yesterday i told the doctor about it and he was laughing. .He told me it's enough already and he was wearing the long sleeves... lols... thank God he liked it.. haha.. i am not really fond of giving shirts/clothes because of the "size issue"...
Even he was telling me to stop giving him thank you presents. I left again a figurine I bought a month ago. It was a doctor with a box on his head that says "DOCTORS ARE PATIENT PEOPLE"... i hope he liked it.
Progress report:
I think it's a progress that he wants me to come back after 3 months... so it means i dont need a therapy and maybe he's kinda confident i can stand now on my own and do what he wants me to do. He just want me to do what ever i like and to think out things optimistically... these are the things he repeatedly uttered to me.
I hope I'll be better soon. sooner... but i will still take one step at a time... slowly but surely...
Friday, July 3, 2009
just an update
Sleeping Pattern
Since my brother got sick, he had a fever for several days and i wasnt able to get back to my normal sleep because I was still up till 2 am and wakes up from time to time to make him drink his meds.. Thank God he's fine now...
My doctor told me to take the medicines at 8pm and do nothing aside by lying in bed and reading and wait to be unconscious AND WAKE UP AFTER 8 HOURS... this coming Monday i'll be seing my doctor again, and he might pinch me... lols because he gave me the chance to be normal (sleeping just like any normal humans do)... and I gave up the "night shift" productive mode because i can choose being alive alert awake and productive during nights but i told him I want to be awake during the day... When i'm sleeping during the day i got several calls! from mama, papa, aunts! friends!... and the whatever wrong number... and i'm tired of it.
Back to basic
I'm painting again and it feels good. I am exploring with less scented paints such as poster color and water color pencil. I cant stand the smell of the oils and sometimes the urine-like-smell of acrylics. @_@ so i will just stay for a while with the safe colors so i wont have an allergic rhinitis attacks again...
Once or many times I got discouraged to paint because someone told me "why i've been focusing doing projects in school, doing coloring and stuff"... that person didn't know i survived my highschool and college days because of those projects / painting / sculpture i did... one of my prof didn't return my painting and sculpture and displayed it in the faculty room... it was only my projects wasnt returned. it kinda made me happy somehow and didnt realized that time how people appreciates my craft.. well, being avpd you dont easily appreciate the craft you did... sometimes it more of a crap in our minds.
So these past few months I'm trying to rekindle the sparks I had before, I am trying to relive my dreams ~
on Michael Jackson's death
I felt sad when people criticize him like he was just like an ant. Since I was in higschool I admire him. I am not a fanatic person and not updated to showbiz news but I still have few artist that I admire and one of them is MJ. I like and love his songs, his really a genius in writing... if you would only read the lyrics, just read without the melody he is saying something about his life and being a human... and he did not hide it... I somehow can relate to his weirdness, ideas, and liking elementary things.
Let's say everyone has their own flaws in life and sometimes it leads us to be more creative, stronger... and most of the time we learn something from it. What I believe that Michael's pieces are the product of those things... He may be weird, strange in every ways we cant deny how gifted he is... despite of those things that happened to him... and people can't deny somehow their body swayed a bit in some of the beats of his songs...
May he rest in piece... He really made a difference to the world despite of.... those vultures that surrounded him.
This song might fit on how others see him:
Little Susie by Michael Jackson
Somebody killed little susie
The girl with the tune
Who sings in the daytime at noon
She was there screaming
Beating her voice in her doom
But nobody came to her soon...
A fall down the stairs
Her dress torn
Oh the blood in her hair...
A mystery so sullen in air
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care,
Oh the blood in her hair...
Everyone came to see
The girl that now is dead
So blind stare the eyes in her head...
And suddenly a voice from the crowd said
This girl lived in vain
Her face bear such agony, such strain...
But only the man from next door
Knew little susie and how he cried
As he reached down
To close susies eyes...
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care
Oh the blood in her hair...
It was all for gods sake
For her singing the tune
For someone to feel her despair
To be damned to know hoping is dead and youre doomed
Then to scream out
And nobodys there...
She knew no one cared...
Father left home, poor mother died
Leaving susie alone
Grandfathers soul too had flown...
No one to care
Just to love her
How much can one bear
Rejecting the needs in her prayers...
Neglection can kill
Like a knife in your soul
Oh it will
Little susie fought so hard to live...
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care
So young and so fair
Since my brother got sick, he had a fever for several days and i wasnt able to get back to my normal sleep because I was still up till 2 am and wakes up from time to time to make him drink his meds.. Thank God he's fine now...
My doctor told me to take the medicines at 8pm and do nothing aside by lying in bed and reading and wait to be unconscious AND WAKE UP AFTER 8 HOURS... this coming Monday i'll be seing my doctor again, and he might pinch me... lols because he gave me the chance to be normal (sleeping just like any normal humans do)... and I gave up the "night shift" productive mode because i can choose being alive alert awake and productive during nights but i told him I want to be awake during the day... When i'm sleeping during the day i got several calls! from mama, papa, aunts! friends!... and the whatever wrong number... and i'm tired of it.
Back to basic
I'm painting again and it feels good. I am exploring with less scented paints such as poster color and water color pencil. I cant stand the smell of the oils and sometimes the urine-like-smell of acrylics. @_@ so i will just stay for a while with the safe colors so i wont have an allergic rhinitis attacks again...
Once or many times I got discouraged to paint because someone told me "why i've been focusing doing projects in school, doing coloring and stuff"... that person didn't know i survived my highschool and college days because of those projects / painting / sculpture i did... one of my prof didn't return my painting and sculpture and displayed it in the faculty room... it was only my projects wasnt returned. it kinda made me happy somehow and didnt realized that time how people appreciates my craft.. well, being avpd you dont easily appreciate the craft you did... sometimes it more of a crap in our minds.
So these past few months I'm trying to rekindle the sparks I had before, I am trying to relive my dreams ~
on Michael Jackson's death
I felt sad when people criticize him like he was just like an ant. Since I was in higschool I admire him. I am not a fanatic person and not updated to showbiz news but I still have few artist that I admire and one of them is MJ. I like and love his songs, his really a genius in writing... if you would only read the lyrics, just read without the melody he is saying something about his life and being a human... and he did not hide it... I somehow can relate to his weirdness, ideas, and liking elementary things.
Let's say everyone has their own flaws in life and sometimes it leads us to be more creative, stronger... and most of the time we learn something from it. What I believe that Michael's pieces are the product of those things... He may be weird, strange in every ways we cant deny how gifted he is... despite of those things that happened to him... and people can't deny somehow their body swayed a bit in some of the beats of his songs...
May he rest in piece... He really made a difference to the world despite of.... those vultures that surrounded him.
This song might fit on how others see him:
Little Susie by Michael Jackson
Somebody killed little susie
The girl with the tune
Who sings in the daytime at noon
She was there screaming
Beating her voice in her doom
But nobody came to her soon...
A fall down the stairs
Her dress torn
Oh the blood in her hair...
A mystery so sullen in air
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care,
Oh the blood in her hair...
Everyone came to see
The girl that now is dead
So blind stare the eyes in her head...
And suddenly a voice from the crowd said
This girl lived in vain
Her face bear such agony, such strain...
But only the man from next door
Knew little susie and how he cried
As he reached down
To close susies eyes...
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care
Oh the blood in her hair...
It was all for gods sake
For her singing the tune
For someone to feel her despair
To be damned to know hoping is dead and youre doomed
Then to scream out
And nobodys there...
She knew no one cared...
Father left home, poor mother died
Leaving susie alone
Grandfathers soul too had flown...
No one to care
Just to love her
How much can one bear
Rejecting the needs in her prayers...
Neglection can kill
Like a knife in your soul
Oh it will
Little susie fought so hard to live...
She lie there so tenderly
Fashioned so slenderly
Lift her with care
So young and so fair
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
slip of the tongue
My father has been calling us almost everyday, 3 times a week or more… He just sent us an allowance, or so called gift (money) so we can buy whatever we want… it was somewhat a big amount. There was a time he called me asking where I am, I told him I just left the hospital… and asked why?!!!! I just told him because of my allergies…The problem is sometimes I forgot that he doesn’t know I am on a treatment because of my disorder, THAT he is one of the factors that I have this. When I was just 11 years old, months or a year after my brother died He told me THAT “I didn’t even loved my brother”… and so it stayed on my mind. Because when we were young I used to quarrel and hit my brother… My dad used to spank me and torture me verbally….
I am not mad to my dad anymore; I just don’t like how he gets angry on some nonsense things. For the past few days or months he’s been acting so strange, not a strange thing that he is doing bad things, it’s just… Sometimes when he calls us on the phone before he puts it down he would say I LOVE YOU, Take care… the first time he uttered it I did not respond… but when called again I replied I LOVE YOU TOO!!!... and telling him to go to church to thank God for having a new job and working permit.
I asked my mom if my dad knows already about the diagnosis and she said no… but I think my Aunt who took care of me when I was a child until elementary told him a bit about what happened to me… or also my other aunts who lives in abroad… that’s why he’s treating me now nicely… and I am praying that he would be like that forever. I love my dad… I appreciate all his efforts, he is super industrious according to my mom.. he knows all the household chores… he is not ashamed washing clothes, he doesn’t even want my mom to wash our clothes… he also loves dogs… he used to have one or two but when we are growing up he gave up taking care of dogs because we might be bitten.
Right now I am living with my youngest and only brother who protects me and trying not to reveal my disorder and trying to avoid that “SLIP OF THE TONGUE” thing… I am so thankful that my brother supports me well and also my whole family even some of them doesn’t understand the Avoidant personality disorder and Social Phobia especially my aunts and cousins… what they know is I just had a depression. Grrrrr…. I have avpd! Hehe…
My doctor told me that I am luckier than my dad or the other members of my family (including aunts / uncle) that I can talk to him (the doctor)… that I can confined what ever I want to say.. Unlike my dad who can’t express himself… I am now thinking that this disorder is partly hereditary… and I’m 50% sure of it.
This coming December my whole family (me, parents and brother) might visit my doctor so we could fix what ever silent issues we have had… it’s most likely all about my diseased brother. I hope everything will be fine sooner. Amen… ^_^
Friday, June 5, 2009
shrink day
*got the image from here: linkWe have talked about:
My sleeping patterns and i told him I can't sleep because of my pending projects. He advised me to take not more than 2 projects at a time unless I have the templates then I can get more than 2. He said I am perfectionist and I got so overwhelmed easily with the loads of my projects...
I also asked him if I can fix my sleeping patterns... then he asked me to increase the dosage of "rivotril" from 1/4 to 1/2 of the tablet, just for a week... and i have to take it strictly every 8pm... sort of a curfew...
I also asked him about my allergy, if can take my antihestamine for it... then I was allowed to take "Claritin"...
I am now not worrying to get a regular job, because I asked him if i can still get a project based job for I am worrying about my December vacation for the clans reunion. He said as long I am happy, go ahead!
and..... he said the magic word..... AWAKENING!.....
"Let this year be a new start, an awakening, like you were reborn, or you can even take a retreat, join groups... what so ever as long as you are happy"... wow!!!!
I was so challenged.... I hope I can get back sooner.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
deadlinessssssssss
and i am on rush!.. because i promised my client to finish the project until june 5.. but the worst thing is my doctor moved my appointment one june 5 and i have dentist appointment on june 4! so it means i am not allowed to sleep!!!
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SLEEP!!!
good luck to me!
*crossing my fingers.... @_@
good luck to me!
*crossing my fingers.... @_@
Friday, May 29, 2009
breath in... breath out...
medicines
I am taking Zoloft and 1/4 of Revotril for more than a month now. I can really say that it really helps me a lot to view things in a different way. Like I dont get mad so easily and I am not that so anxious anymore and plus super depressed... just a bit complication: i have difficulties in sleeping.
I am worried if the time comes that i will stop taking these meds, will i be like normal just like what i feel right now? Will I ever survive without meds? oh well to much questions...
I am worried if the time comes that i will stop taking these meds, will i be like normal just like what i feel right now? Will I ever survive without meds? oh well to much questions...
random thoughts
I almost have what I need in life, except the fact that I don't have a special someone and my own family. I have some close friends and family who supports me financially and emotionally. But why I am still like this?
Am I still trying to digest my disorder?
Not inspired?
Empty?
Confused?
Worried?
Anxious?
I feel so helpless right now because I don't have the will to do what I need to do... like finishing my projects and trying to communicate again face to face with those people I am with for the past 8years. I wish I could have the will again to reach out.
Am I still trying to digest my disorder?
Not inspired?
Empty?
Confused?
Worried?
Anxious?
I feel so helpless right now because I don't have the will to do what I need to do... like finishing my projects and trying to communicate again face to face with those people I am with for the past 8years. I wish I could have the will again to reach out.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
sleeping problems
The first 2 weeks taking my medicines for my depression and anxiety I could sleep peacefully. But as the side effects of the meds have disappeared, the groggy feeling I am not that so sleepy anymore. My biggest problem right now is i cant sleep at night!! i know what made me feel like this..BECAUSE... I DONT KNOW HOW TO FINISH MY FREELANCE PROJECTS... and I MUST FINISH IT OR I WONT BE ABLE TO FIND A REGULAR JOB...
it's one of the cause... i hope i can finish all of this before my 3rd visitation to my therapist.
it's one of the cause... i hope i can finish all of this before my 3rd visitation to my therapist.
the awakening
Before my diagnosis I shed so many tears in searching for the answer. That time I am not aware I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, I thought I have an Asperger’s Syndrome because I don’t know how to deal with those people who are not close to me. I’ve been crying because I know I am helpless and bum.
So much traumatic scenes happened before I got my diagnosis… I got mad to my mom, brother and everyone as if the world left me.
I never thought I reach the point of depression and anxiety. I thought I was strong but I was wrong. I am weak.
The doctor gave me 2 medicines that would be taken every night so I could think properly and I would be less anxious.
I am glad I got my answers in unexpected events of my life. My doctor knows my aunt so my consultation is free. I am worried about the next therapy sessions… It feels awkward to ask if I will give the right fee…
So much traumatic scenes happened before I got my diagnosis… I got mad to my mom, brother and everyone as if the world left me.
I never thought I reach the point of depression and anxiety. I thought I was strong but I was wrong. I am weak.
The doctor gave me 2 medicines that would be taken every night so I could think properly and I would be less anxious.
I am glad I got my answers in unexpected events of my life. My doctor knows my aunt so my consultation is free. I am worried about the next therapy sessions… It feels awkward to ask if I will give the right fee…
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
intro of my journey
Hi! I am Hope (which is not my real name). I am 25 years old living within South East Asia. I was diagnosed having an Avoidant Personality Disorder or (AvPD) and with Social Phobia last April 20, 2009.
When I was a child I already noticed that I'm not always happy and worries a lot of things. Highschool years came and I noticed that I was really diffrent from the others. During that time I am taking a painting/drawing workshop, so that was the skill i acquired that i am confident of.
College years came and I reached the point where i got timid for almost 2 years because I failed some of my "MINOR" subjects and I have to be separated with my classmates once in a while. I felt so alone that time.
After graduation, i got a job and stayed there for 6 months, then the next was 7 months, next company was 2 months, then the last company i worked with i stayed there for 1 year and 2 months. That was the ideal and best company I've ever had. The pay was good and facilities are all new i even had a loptop to bring at home but that was the worst working place i encountered. In between those diffrent companies i worked with i got freelance job but with lesser pay... because i dont kow how price my artworks. By the way I am an artist, a web / graphic designer.
I created this blog so I can share to the world my experiences, my journey to overcome this and also to tract down the progress of my life. I know this not an easy path to take but I will try all my best to change and follow my doctor suggestions and advices.
When I was a child I already noticed that I'm not always happy and worries a lot of things. Highschool years came and I noticed that I was really diffrent from the others. During that time I am taking a painting/drawing workshop, so that was the skill i acquired that i am confident of.
College years came and I reached the point where i got timid for almost 2 years because I failed some of my "MINOR" subjects and I have to be separated with my classmates once in a while. I felt so alone that time.
After graduation, i got a job and stayed there for 6 months, then the next was 7 months, next company was 2 months, then the last company i worked with i stayed there for 1 year and 2 months. That was the ideal and best company I've ever had. The pay was good and facilities are all new i even had a loptop to bring at home but that was the worst working place i encountered. In between those diffrent companies i worked with i got freelance job but with lesser pay... because i dont kow how price my artworks. By the way I am an artist, a web / graphic designer.
I created this blog so I can share to the world my experiences, my journey to overcome this and also to tract down the progress of my life. I know this not an easy path to take but I will try all my best to change and follow my doctor suggestions and advices.
I hope I will be healed SOONER.
but i will take baby steps one at a time...
God Bless Me and those people who are supporting me.
but i will take baby steps one at a time...
God Bless Me and those people who are supporting me.
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